Bix

The past few days have mostly been people around me making their ✨ expectations ✨ clear. The most senior engineer at my workplace is leaving and I’ve been sat next to him (and also working with him) for the past few months, so a number of my colleagues see me as the new him.

He is incredibly clever and I will never be him.

Also I have a cold but I absolutely do not want to take any time off work.

Womp womp

Things are good.

J and I broke up ~2 months ago after almost five years together. It is for the best and I feel much more positive about life.

I moved to Forest Hill, and now live on my own, which is nice. The last three weeks have mostly been building furniture.

Did a rope performance with B on Friday. It went well, though I didn’t realise that the “blood” used was real actual human blood and now some of my ropes are speckled with actual real human blood.

Went to yoga today. Gym tomorrow for the first time in a long time. Hopefully Blues on Wednesday. Shooting photos on Saturday, then off to Berlin for EURIX on Sunday.

Phew.

Day 1 (Thursday): didn’t sleep until 4am. Caught up on sleep, bought gifts then went to the jam where I tied K in fun armness suspension things and horrible single upline gyaku ebi things.
Day 2 (Friday): saw S, went to Balan’s in Soho for brunch and cocktails, then attempted more gift shopping with him. He introduced me to his ex as “his old housemate” even though I’ve met him several times before and they were Definitely dating. B was having a really bad night so stayed up until 2am speaking with them.
Day 3 (Saturday): J had a terrible day. Highlights included dropping food all over his carpet and a minor security issue he was responsible for. I was a Good Girlfriend and looked after him.
Day 4 (Sunday): J’s birthday! VR and board games things. Fun was had. B flew out to Spain!
Day 5 (Monday): signed up for a 5 yoga classes in 5 days deal. Went for an afternoon tea on a boat on the Thames with J, then went out and did yoga.
Day 6 (Tuesday): second yoga class! Great success. Went to the jam in the evening and tied with I who came all the way up from Brighton. I felt super brain fried, but we did a difficult suspension (kata ashi) as she wanted to know what it felt like, then did some fun freestyle floor/partial things. Mixed feelings about tying I.
Day 7 (Wednesday): slept really badly so missed my yoga class (fail). Went out and saw the latest Spider-Man film with J (verdict: good), then went to my blues dance class. I’m enjoying it a lot more now that the guy who was historically creepy is being better behaved. Had dinner with D and A, where I caught up on work and non-work things. Went to the blues social afterwards and danced with D who is REALLY GOOD and I am REALLY BAD. We did two dances and I think I feel good about this development. It is easier now that we don’t work together.

It is 1:30am on day 8. I’m doing a yoga class today at midday and I’m seeing A for a West Coast Swing class this evening. Tomorrow I might see S again, then I’m off to Nottingham to see J’s parents (and glaze some pots) over the weekend.

Where is my self-improvement tiiiiiime?

D at work is leaving

And

My heart is falling apart

💔

So there’s this thing about rigging-while-female which never really goes away.

I was bottoming in shibari for several months before I started seriously tying. When I did start tying I was so pleased that Hitchin’ Bitches (a group for non-male riggers and their bottoms) was a thing and I could go along and I would be able to tie and I wouldn’t be talked down to by inexperienced but overconfident male riggers*. So I would go to HB and tie and go to my local peer rope and studio and parties and be tied. When I tied I was a “female rigger”. And that was fine.

And then I tied more. I did my first static suspension in early 2016 (a hip harness with an up line). I did my first suspension intensive as a rigger that year. And I kept tying. I’ve travelled internationally to rope festivals, I’ve spent thousands of pounds on intensive workshops by both local and travelling presenters, I’ve done private tuition, I’ve spent more hours than I want to think about tying and labbing and playing around with what I know. (I’ve also given myself a nasty elbow injury by lugging my rope bag across London 2-4 times a week.)

Sometimes people approach me because they want to be tied, or they repost my stuff online, or they anonymously site me as someone who is generally pretty okay at rope. Almost always using the phrase “female rigger”.

I get it to some extent. They mean well. Representation is important, and I’m very visibly female. While the guys usually tie in loose trousers and a t-shirt I’m usually there in a dress/playsuit, lipstick and with my hair in a plait.

Someone I tied recently for the first time turned around to me and said “I’ve been watching you tie for a long time. I don’t understand why you’re not more well-known.”, then followed it up with “oh, wait, you’re a woman”. (She’s a visual artist, and hence too familiar with sexism in the arts.)

By being a “female rigger” I’m very sure that I’m being bucketed very different to (male) “riggers”. It’s harder to be taken seriously. Overconfident beginners still try to correct my rope or interrupt my scene to tell me about something going on with my bottom (I’m now substantially less polite about both of these). Certain international teachers assume that I’m not going to be any good as I’m a woman.

My rope isn’t any different to how a man would tie*. But the distinction between “female rigger” and (male) “rigger” is there. It’s subtle - but it’s there.

(* though statistically my hard point is lower #shortriggerproblems)

Went to a Blues (blues?) dance class this evening for the first time in many months. I had a great time but to just confirm I am absolutely shit at blues.

My knees don’t quite work the way they should for blues (too bendy in very much the wrong direction), stepping backwards makes me very nervous and TRAVELLING. God, travelling is difficult from the perspective of someone who has always been taught to get out of the way of oncoming people.

I suspect some people struggle with the concept of holding someone they’ve never met before close to themselves but I don’t really have the same hesitation.

Lindy hop and Charleston feel more natural to me (at least as a beginner). The stance doesn’t seem to do the weird thing to my knees and the classes are much more about individual movements and less about feeling and relaxing.

But - it’s really nice to be shit at something as a bona-fide adult when there’s an awful lot of pressure to be good at all of the things. It’s brilliant to be terrible at something that doesn’t actually really matter that much - dancing blues is never going to put a roof over my head or mean the difference between eating or not or define who I might marry or where I might live or...

I will probably keep going to classes to improve though.

And then find something else to be terrible at.